on a mission

A couple of months ago, I went on a camp with my church, at which we were taught by a guest speaker on the subject of "Love". (For two years before, we'd had camps on "Faith" and "Hope".) One rather eye-opening session was taught from the Song of Solomon, on erotic love, and so our pastor quite wisely thought it would be a good idea to have an extra session before it, discussing singleness. We're a church made up mostly of students and young graduates, many of whom are at the time of life in which we're beginning to wonder why we haven't met The One yet, and the danger of having sessions on romance and marriage without addressing singleness is that you are liable to alienate or depress single people.

These are some of the passages we covered, and what I/we drew from them:

The goodness and the limitations of marriage

The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer. If you point these things out to the brothers, you will be a good minister of Christ Jesus, brought up in the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed.
1 Timothy 4:1-6

Marriage is created by God, and it's good. No one should feel less 'spiritual' for desiring marriage - in fact, it is one of the great good things of life.

The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'
Genesis 2:18

Companionship is something that God knew we needed from the very beginning. He didn't create us to be solitary. This passage of Genesis does not translate to a command to marry. It doesn't even mean that marriage is the only way not to be solitary. However, again, it is a powerful protest against those who might try to stop people from marrying, or make singleness out to be a more inherently spiritual existence.

The story of the Sadducees, who tested Jesus by asking about a woman who kept being widowed, and so had seven husbands throughout her life:
"Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?"
Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."
Matthew 22:28-30

Although marriage is good, it is limited. It is temporary; it lasts until one of its members is dead. The only permanent marriage for the Christian is the marriage between Christ and his Church. Earthly marriage points towards something bigger, of which every Christian is a part.

As Charles Spurgeon wrote to his wife, "Your husband for a time, your brother for eternity."

Jesus does not deny the goodness of marriage, but his words make it clear that we must not wrap up all our hopes and our identity in it. Like many other things, it is one of God's good gifts but it can become distorted if we place the wrong priority on it. It is not our purpose in life. If we make it so, we are fundamentally missing out. His words also make it clear that if we are single, we are not incomplete. As Christians, we take part in the marriage of Christ and his Church whether or not we are married to another human. This is what completes us.

Singleness, on the other hand

[Context: Jesus' instructions against divorce.]
The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Matthew 19:10-12

Singleness is tough. But it is good for the kingdom, for some people. It is a gift to some people. Our pastor drew our attention to John Stott, who made a conscious decision not to marry, and who has lived a life of service to the kingdom of heaven.

Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should ive as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For the world in its present form is passing away.
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of the world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:25-35

We should try to be content where we are. If you can hack it, singleness is better. This is not a matter of sinfulness and there are no restrictions on marriage whatsoever. All the same, we should look to our fundamental mission - to serve the kingdom of God, to tell people about the kingdom of God, and to live lives that point to the kingdom of God. As wonderful as a godly marriage is, it inherently inhibits your time and even your single-minded devotion to God. This is not to say that you cannot serve God as a married person, but you will have difficulties.

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I reproduce what we discussed, because I found it really, really helpful. I haven't been eating my heart out at my singleness - far from it. But I had felt a little confused when it came to articulating what I felt about the idea of marriage. I get very concerned when I hear Christians looking at marriage as the ultimate goal, and when Christians speak as if life revolves around their marriage, as if their ultimate purpose is to be a good husband/wife. I even hear about people who decide to get married not because they are in love but because they feel they should be married, and although I couldn't articulate why, it just seemed so misguided and even dangerous.

And then, of course, I've been driven to intense wrath by comments by (usually elderly) people, such as "when Alison gets married, God willing", as if my marriage is inevitable and as if it is something that God inevitably wants me to do. The fact that this sentiment was expressed by a man whose marriage fell apart when his wife abandoned him after a stroke made me even more incredulous. Not for me, thank you! Then there was my friend who split up with her no-good boyfriend and who was heartbroken, and another friend assured her that God had someone wonderful for her out there - which was easy to say, coming from someone who was already married, and which I do not think was at all helpful. For one thing, how can she promise that that is God's plan for my friend? And once again it binds up her entire purpose in finding a husband!

And yet at the same time I am very much aware of what marriage has to offer. As furious as I become by hints that I am an unfulfilled spinster, I have to admit that the idea of a husband at some point is attractive. Almost everyone is scared of loneliness. I am very happy for people who are happily married and I think it's always good news when great couples get engaged.

So it's confusing.

I had never heard anyone go through passages like these before and spell out what the Bible actually teaches about singleness. It's rather radical, actually; it does not fit with what our culture suggests about marriage (that singleness is failure and that the only reason to be single is to have lots of sex with different people, that marriage does not last) and it doesn't even fit with what a lot of churches teach about marriage.

As always, hearing what the Bible actually has to say is like a breath of fresh air. It acknowledges that marriage is great and good and a source of happiness and that God smiles on it. It's one of the things I love about Christian teaching - the great flexibility of the "rules" and so much of it being down to our own consciences and context. But it also dignifies the state of singleness. It assures me that I have no need to feel incomplete, as a part of the bride of Christ, and that God values me as I am, along with my gifts and my potential.

Time is short. It is so important that we live our lives as if we are on a mission, a mission to let the world know that Jesus is returning. Everyone has a different mission. Maybe we shouldn't seek out marriage when it could be an obstruction. And the people who decide to get married because they assume they can only serve God as a husband or a wife are entirely missing the point.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own mission lately. More on this later. Though a lot of people I know might feel sorry for me if I end up deciding not to get married, I could be empowered by this decision to serve God in the way he has planned for me. It is, in fact, all about him.